American Girl Kaylee is Having a Very bad week at College....

 

I found my daughter's American Girl doll in this position the other day.  Note the school bag  askew, science text book and composition notebook thrown carelessly to the side, and the wasted look on  her sleeping face.  I didn't ask Sophia any questions, I just snapped the picture.  I hope Kaylee gets some help and has a better Sophmore year.

Like Jellybeans, You Can't have Just One

And now for your reading entertainment, I have begun to sell 31  bags.  Watch in amazement as my friends begin to avoid me, neighbors cross the street when they see me coming, and my bedroom begins to resemble Vera Bradley having a very bad reaction to crack cocaine.... yes folks, I not only sell 31 bags, wallets, totes, etc, I am addicted to them.

First of all, I love these purses like there's no tomorrow.  I have been reviewing products on and off for years, and I can't rave enough about these cool bags, the thermal totes, and just the overall make up of the company that sells them.   They are sturdy, good quality and come in fun colors and patterns.  You can personalize them 15 ways to Sunday.  Names, logos, emblems, icons, my head is awash with all the different patterns, from "Pick me Plaid" to "Lot's of Dots" over to the more floral and festive "Best Buds" and the flamingo  mating- call pattern, "Island Damask".  I cram all my pool stuff in my organizing utility tote, shocked at how much fits, fill the little pockets with sunscreen, sun glasses and a couple copies of Entertainment weekly, and off I go.  It isn't a summer day without a 31 bag with all your crap spilling as you lug your umbrella and screaming children to the beach.

One word.... Picnic thermal.  It has replaced my husband's ridiculous "Nut Clusters"  shoulder pak freebee, he so fondly refers to as the "Nut sack".  Yes for three years my husband has been toting a hideous army green bag to the soccer field that clearly reads "Nut Clusters" on the front of it.  This way he can utter the same joke week in and week out, " Has anyone seen my nutsack?"  when he can't find the bag.    Sometimes if he really can't find it for a long period of time, he will exclaim to the male offspring, " Hey, did you touch my nutsack?  Did someone relocate my nutsack?"  And then the two offsprig laugh and laugh and I roll my eyes... yeah so, I am burning my husband's nutsack this weekend.... so sick of that bag.

Documenting my Colonoscopy - A world of Poo awaits You

So, certain symptoms have arisen that prompted me to visit my Gastroenterologist. Symptoms I will spare you. Since I am pretty much the only one who reads this Blog anyway, I feel I can be pretty straight forward. I have been warned by several sources that " the prep is the worst part". I am guessing this will be worse than even expected for me, since for the last three months, I have felt like pretty much every day of my life has been an inadvertent bowel prep. So, ok, I need to have this tube put up my butt, but also, another tube with a camera put down my throat. I am not sure which prospect bothers me more, getting a tube shot down my throat into my stomach, which is  always in pain anyway, or, up the backdoor which is also a literal pain in the ass. My Gallbladder has been dis functional for a few months and I was going through some tests to see about having it out, and other things just sort of spiraled out of control, leading me to this lovely procedure. So, to start out with, I have purchased the following things to ease my journey.

• Flushable baby wipes
• Which Hazel wipes
• Organic Chicken broth paste
•  a large amount of water
• soft toilet paper
•  Gummy bears
• Organic Lollipops

I am on a clear liquid diet today, and at 5 pm tonight, I get to drink what I can only akin to battery acid sludge, sit back and wait for the fireworks to begin. The nurse who just called to confirm my appt. said to me, and I quote, "Oh, you will be working hard tonight to clear out your colon with the colon prep so you will arrive here tomorrow nice and tired and ready for a nap!".

 Yeah, that's never good to hear in a phone call. So, This is my meal ticket for the next 20 hours:


Doesn't that look delish? Actually I have started to drink it nice and hot, and it tastes fine but instantly gives me a "brick in the stomach" feeling, like most foods do anyway, so I think I'd just stick to water till tomorrow. Ok, I'll check in later after I've drank a gallon of the "Sludge of Death".


5:00 pm - Drinking the sludge of death

I poured the clear slimy liquid into the plastic cup that comes with it, and then added water up to the 16 oz line.  Down the hatch!  Glug, Glug, Glug.... and then pause.... and, salt.  That's what I tasted, Lemon Lime Salt with a touch of body odor.  It slithers down your throat.  I paused a few beats, then took the rest of it down.  You then have to drink 16 oz of water..... twice.... in the next 60 minutes or so.  It's not a hard thing to do, because you are so desperate to get the taste of the Lemon Lime slither- sludge out of your mouth.

5 minutes later, you feel like a tire is inflating in your upper abdomen.  It didn't hurt, it just felt like a balloon was about to pop, in the front and alllll the way around to the sides.  I bloated up like Violet from Willa Wonka, and had to walk around the house.  I suggest you do not sit down.  Just.. keep... walking.  It will be over in a minute or 10.  So I walked around, drinking my water, my hands got a little sweaty but not too bad.  20 minutes later I hear gurgling.  More bloating... and then I felt the magic begin to happen.  Again I will spare you the intimate details.  I spent the next 3-5 hours making frequent trips to the toilet.  I suggest to anyone who is reading this do NOT and I repeat DO NOT travel more than 50 feet from a toilet.  Camp yourself out with a good book, your phone and a rousing game of SCAMBLE, or even a TV or lap top, right next to the toilet.  We are lucky enough to have a small enough house that our TV and couch are right next to our little half bath.  I spent the next 5 hours up and down and cleaning out.  It pretty much stopped before I went to bed, and I slept fine.  The package says "expect loose and/or watery stools".  This should definitely be changed to "expect geyser like projections from your anal canal" and "expect watery explosions that will painlessly lift you off of your toilet with it's force".  The medical companies who write this stuff are dreadfully under estimating in their literature!    Human beings are what, 80% water?  Well 60% of that will come out your rear end in a 6-7 hour period of time.  Expect to feel like a weak, dizzy raisin by the end of this journey.

6:00 am - Up with the chickens.   Got the second dose of SuPrep down, but it was harder than the first and I wanted to gag it all up.  Drinking this first thing in the morning is NOT fun.  I suggest you get your prep All done by bed time, and get up early for your procedure.  Having it at 11:30 was a little rough.  I was extremely weak and felt like I would expire any moment by the time I walked in and laid on the gurney.

Got the second round down, again with the spare tire inflating feeling, then two or three hours of explosive pooping.  By the end it was just clear water, with a hint of yellow, which is what doctors say is "optimal" as a result.  I was happy I would have a nice clear colon to see everything.  I got the kids off to the baby sitter and school, and Husband and I made our way to the Endoscopy center.  That's all they do there..... just down the throat and up the rear procedures.  It's a very well oiled machine in there.  You walk in, you get your briefing, you sign your papers, no lines, no waiting.  You walk into the back, you strip down, do a urine sample to make sure you are not pregnant ( that was kinda hilarious) and after you're naked except for your shoes and socks,  you dress up like Gandolf the Grey in flowing robes.  You leave your socks and shoes on the entire procedure, at least where I went.  That was a little skeevy for me, because my shoes were rather old and dirty... and they accompanied me into the procedure room, attached to my smelly feet.  I was kind of embarrassed.  So if you go for this procedure in Morristown, NJ, please wear nice clean footwear.

At first I will say I was VERY apprehensive.  I hate going under anesthesia.  They hook an IV into your arm, which isn't a big deal, talk nicely to you, and then... oh wait, Im about to be wheeled into the procedure room and.... yup.  completely forgot to take off my underwear.  Man... I am mortified.  I have to call the nurse, and wiggle out of my undies and hand them to her.  She puts them with my clothing, and then goes and disenfects her hands.    I mention to her how much of a surprize that would have been to the doctor when he went to insert the tube, she laughed and responded " that's ok, we would have poked a hole through it"   Im glad I saved my good undies from total destruction.  Can you even imagine waking up and there is a HOLE in the backside of your underwear?

They tell you to roll over on your left side, start pushing the drugs into your IV and you LITERALLY fall over asleep, waking up feeling well rested.  unfortunately for me they discovered I had sleep apnea when I went to sleep, so I have to get a tube down my nose to help me breathe, and so when I woke up, I was a snotty snorty mess.

I went in to the procedure room at 11:45am.  I emerged at 12:20.   I am not even kidding you it's that fast.  I had an endoscopy, so my throat was a little sore, nothing too bad, like when you eat a scratchy french fry and have throat pain for the rest of the day, that kind of pain.  My sinuses were killing me.  That won't happen to most people unless they have trouble breathing when under anethesia, like I did.

My doctor came in and I was feeling very happy and very sad, all at the same time.  Very typical for whacky juice withdrawl.  He told me I was "squeaky clean" except for a small 'roid and a hiatal hernia.  the Hiatal hernia is what's causing my stomach issues, and not, you know, cancer or ulcers or something sinister like that.  He told me I was in such good shape, not to even bother coming back to see him.  I high fived him and started to go "Whooo hoo!"  I thought I was still in the OR.    I looked around for the cute asian anestethiologist, and couldn't find him.  I wanted to ask him for more of that great sleeping juice.  I didn't realize I was in a little recovery room with a curtain and my husband was standing right there.  The goofy juice made me loopy.  I started to cry for 3 seconds.  Then laugh for 5 seconds.  Then I had some Lorna Doone cookies and some icy cranberry juice... the first things I have had to eat or drink since what felt like 2003... got my footing, got out of Gandolf's robes, found my underwear, dressed, and headed out to lunch with my husband.  I couldnt wait to get a tofu burger in me. We get to my favorite pub, and I take three bites and Im full.  Had to take the food home and pick at it all night.  By the next day my appetite was back to normal, and by that night, my rear was.

A few observations for first timers:

• You will hear that the prep is the worst part.  Completely agree.  The procedure is nothing.  I had a hard time believing anything had actually been up my butt.  D not work yourself up to be put under and voluntarily sodomized.  I promise it is nothing like that.

• You will feel like complete and utter death when you arrive for your colonoscopy.  Do not worry, you are just starving and dehydrated.  They will hydrate you with an IV and ten minutes later you feel a ton better.  You are not sick, you will not die.  Being weak in the knees is ok, it will pass as soon as you wake up. 

• Do not leave your toilet area during the prep time.  Just camp out near a toilet.  Do not leave your house.  Do not even leave to walk your kids to a neighbors house.  You will shit in the middle of the road like the lady in Bridesmaids, I promise you that.

• Don't go out for a big meal afterwards.  Especially if you had an endoscopy.  French fries will feel like knives in your throat.  Have a nice bowl of soup and some toast or popcycles right afterward,  and plan to celebrate your good health the next day.

As seen on Pinterest, Entry #1 - The Eggy Muffin Lump

I have to admit I am becoming a bit of a fanatic on Pinterest.com.  If you step back a moment and examine your comings and goings on this website, you come to the conclusion pretty fast that over 99.999% of the things are either too difficult, too expensive, or two time consuming to even dream of executing. However, I do find that the meals that I find on Pinterest actually save me time, and well as add a little something different to my repertoire.   

     This morning we had limited time to get out the door, the kids and husband #1  were about to head to the movies to see Star Wars, something my husband has been trying to thrust upon my son for about a year now to no avail.   Thinking a stunning, loud, 3D experience may pound a love for All Things Starwars into their knobby heads, he whisked the children out the door this morning for a matinee.  I told the children in private, "even if you don't like it, act like you do, because it means a lot to your father".  When Husband #1 ( I just call him that in jest, I guess it's wishful thinking sometimes) then told the kids where they were going, my son joyfully exclaimed " wow, that sounds so cool, look how happy I am Dad!" and puts on a completely cheesy fake smile.   But I've gotten off track here and I have to get out the door soon, before the tyrants return so that I may get paint swatches for my kitchen, so, back to my little rant about Pinterest.  Here on my blog, that I oh so often do NOT come and post on when I promised myself I would, I will write about  my successes and failings at all things Pinterest-induced in a series of posts I like to call "As Seen On Pinterest".   First up, this Eggy Muffin Baconator thing.   Takes 5 minutes tops to assemble, 20 to cook and you have everything you love about breakfast right in a little compact muffin shaped glob.  

make 6 at a time for a big family.... it's one piece of circle cut white bread lining the bottom on a well sprayed muffin tin.

Line with a strip of bacon.  I use low sodium.

Crack an egg in the middle.  Puncture.

Crack salt and pepper on the top.

Repeat.

Cook in a preheated oven at 400 for 20 minutes.  Whaloa!  So Deeelish!

I'd say this one was a success, seeing my daughter ate it.  My son was too busy avoiding breakfast all together to even notice it.

Ok, I bought the wrong kind of toilet paper again, So Sue Me....

An Open Letter to my Husband

It was on sale, so I grabbed and ran.  Let's face it, I have three hours a day to get all my chores and shopping done before two children who resemble rabid raccoon walk through the door.  I didn't mean to buy single ply, you don't have to rub it in my face every time you take a shit.  We have 28 rolls left of this recombinant tree bark, and I do apologize.  I didn't realize how completely abrasive it was until I took a shadooby myself and thought I'd wiped my posterior with commercial grade sand paper.  Just wad it up really, really good and maybe invest in a little personal lubricant, or moisty wipes.  Just stop telling me about it and sharing details within earshot of our children, because now they are on me about the discomfort caused by the roll of death in the bathroom.

Sincerely, Your Wife.

Man Speak - Decoding the Male Auditory Response System

Being married to my husband is like a constant, on going experiment in the social sciences.  For example, for years  I have been trying to decode exactly what he hears when I ask him to do something, or, tell him something has been done, needs to be planned, or discussed in some fashion.   Recently, I had a lightbulb  moment when he let me into his brain for a split second, after typing in an instant message exactly it was that he heard when I spoke.  As a precursor, let me preface  to give you an idea of the environment.  We are expecting a snow storm any minute.  My son has requested eggs for dinner.  That's all.....Here is that example I was talking about:

• ME:  Stop after work and get salt. I got the kids winter gloves. I am also out of eggs. I went to wal mart and got some stuff. so all we need is salt for the ice, and eggs if you could stop somewhere and get eggs. Sagan likes to eat them for breakfast lately. 
• Now what he got from that.   HIM:  u need eggs?  eggs , eggs salt eggs gloves eggs walmart eggs sagan ice eggs
  got it.

Ok, this is an intelligent man with a relatively high i.q.  I know to some point he HAD to be joking.  But seriously, every conversation we have goes into his brain in a similar fashion.  What I predict will play out now, as it usually does, is he will go to Walmart, where they do not SELL egg. He will buy salt for the driveway, two pairs of children's gloves that will enevitably be too small,  two bags of ice which we do not need and will not fit into our freezer, realize Wal-Mart doesn't sell eggs, go to the grocery store, where he will then buy eggs, four boxes of cookies, razor blades,  coffee that is not on sale, as well as 2 boxes of ice-cream bars, four car magazines, a 12 pack of diet coke, and  2 matchbox cars for my son.   He will not purchase Lysol, tangerines, or black pepper, because he will not bother to call home and ask if there is anything I need.  Upon returning home, I will become cross with him for not listening to me and processing my requests, at which time he will become frustrated with ME because I wasn't clear.

This is how men and women often communicate.  This is why I have 5 years worth of men's deodorant and car magazines in my bathroom, and no eggs in my refrigerator.