Happy New Year!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog daily, so join me on my challenge! 

Wishing you a healthy and happy 2014, The Williams Family

Adventures in Sewing

Today's adventure was.... sewing with Stacy and Sophia!  It shocks and amazes me how skills you learned 25 years ago... even 35 years ago in some cases, come back to you when you are trying to re-learn them.   For instance, take sewing.  I took sewing classes in 4-H.... does anyone remember 4-H?  I learned to knit, sew, ride horses, raise rabbits,  I even sewed my own Christmas stocking one year.  I was literally 9 when I gave up on it.  In college I took Costume construction classes, but never liked it.  I remember once, standing there for two hours with my arms out having class-mates pin muslin onto me... and when I put my arms down I passed out.   BAM right on the floor.... so embarrassing... anyway, I digress.  Here are some pictures of Sophia and I trying to rev up the sewing machine she got for Christmas.  I think our two projects came out pretty good.

Now, you see people on Pinterest with all their artsy fartsy creative things, pictures of nice little  frocks and bows and all that stuff, but, yeah that's not how we roll in this house.....

           Shit Shit shit shit shit.....

That's about the moment I realized I sewed the pants inside out.

 Sophia did a pillow for her brother all by herself....

 Don't sew your fingers to the machine, we don't have time for an ER visit today.

 Im laughing because I'm completely retarded.  Does this go here or... where?

 Extra fabric for other projects.

Sagan's Pillow.

Ironically today Stu and Sagan worked on his Pinewood Derby car all day.  Mostly it was Stu on a very dangerous wood saw,  and then on a very dangerous dremel, coming hazardously close to filing his own fingers off, while Sagan played Minecraft.  Let's be honest here, how much is a 7 year old really going to do when it comes to Pinewood Derby?  We'll save that for another post.  For now I have to go sweep up, it looks like a Cambodian sweat shop in here.

We are Never Getting A Real Tree, Ever Again. Ever.

 

Today's adventure was removing the Christmas Tree.  About a week ago, I noticed the needles falling off my tree like rain.  Since we heat our house with a pellet stove ( article I wrote back in '08) it is quite dry.  I did attempt misting and watering the tree regularly, but the needles didn't want to stay.   They all jumped ship... onto my rug.  I almost lost my mind trying to clean them up, as illustrated below.

 

 

 

 I am woman, I am braless, and I'm wearing all-weather-mocs. 

 

Stu hacked up the tree, wrapped it up and threw it off the back deck in a rain storm.   This is his annoyed face.

 

 

 

I made three attempts to sweep my rug.  Then I vacuumed.   Again and  again.  Then I lost my mind.  Then Stu vacuumed.  I nursed my pine needle punctures and itchy skin from contact dermatitis.....Still, the pine needles linger.

 

 

 

 

Next year?   Fake tree.   Sorry kids. 

 

 

But it sure was pretty.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.....

My friend Katie came up to visit me from Florida this weekend, reminding me that distance has no effect on friendship if the friendship is real.


I truly believe some people are compatible, and others aren't.  Not everyone is cut out to be friends with everyone, but there is a friend out there for everyone. 

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"

I had a friend say this to me a few years back and it is really something to live by.  If you adhere to this rule, you can save yourself a lot of heartache.  I definitely have those "lifer" friends, the ones you tell the truth to when they have a booger hanging, or their shirt is too short to cover their beer belly, or their tramp stamp is looking a little faded.....and those friends who seem to appear in your life right when you feel you can't go another day and lift you up.... and when they leave your life you remember fondly that they were definitely there for a reason.... and then the friends who are there for a wonderful, fulfilling season, that eventually wear out their welcome in your life, and fade like an old pair of underwear that eventually gets holes in it and isn't pretty and sexy anymore.   I can categorize my friendships into reasons, seasons, and lifetimes.

Katie's a lifer.

American Girl Kaylee is Having a Very bad week at College....

 

I found my daughter's American Girl doll in this position the other day.  Note the school bag  askew, science text book and composition notebook thrown carelessly to the side, and the wasted look on  her sleeping face.  I didn't ask Sophia any questions, I just snapped the picture.  I hope Kaylee gets some help and has a better Sophmore year.

Like Jellybeans, You Can't have Just One

And now for your reading entertainment, I have begun to sell 31  bags.  Watch in amazement as my friends begin to avoid me, neighbors cross the street when they see me coming, and my bedroom begins to resemble Vera Bradley having a very bad reaction to crack cocaine.... yes folks, I not only sell 31 bags, wallets, totes, etc, I am addicted to them.

First of all, I love these purses like there's no tomorrow.  I have been reviewing products on and off for years, and I can't rave enough about these cool bags, the thermal totes, and just the overall make up of the company that sells them.   They are sturdy, good quality and come in fun colors and patterns.  You can personalize them 15 ways to Sunday.  Names, logos, emblems, icons, my head is awash with all the different patterns, from "Pick me Plaid" to "Lot's of Dots" over to the more floral and festive "Best Buds" and the flamingo  mating- call pattern, "Island Damask".  I cram all my pool stuff in my organizing utility tote, shocked at how much fits, fill the little pockets with sunscreen, sun glasses and a couple copies of Entertainment weekly, and off I go.  It isn't a summer day without a 31 bag with all your crap spilling as you lug your umbrella and screaming children to the beach.

One word.... Picnic thermal.  It has replaced my husband's ridiculous "Nut Clusters"  shoulder pak freebee, he so fondly refers to as the "Nut sack".  Yes for three years my husband has been toting a hideous army green bag to the soccer field that clearly reads "Nut Clusters" on the front of it.  This way he can utter the same joke week in and week out, " Has anyone seen my nutsack?"  when he can't find the bag.    Sometimes if he really can't find it for a long period of time, he will exclaim to the male offspring, " Hey, did you touch my nutsack?  Did someone relocate my nutsack?"  And then the two offsprig laugh and laugh and I roll my eyes... yeah so, I am burning my husband's nutsack this weekend.... so sick of that bag.

Documenting my Colonoscopy - A world of Poo awaits You

So, certain symptoms have arisen that prompted me to visit my Gastroenterologist. Symptoms I will spare you. Since I am pretty much the only one who reads this Blog anyway, I feel I can be pretty straight forward. I have been warned by several sources that " the prep is the worst part". I am guessing this will be worse than even expected for me, since for the last three months, I have felt like pretty much every day of my life has been an inadvertent bowel prep. So, ok, I need to have this tube put up my butt, but also, another tube with a camera put down my throat. I am not sure which prospect bothers me more, getting a tube shot down my throat into my stomach, which is  always in pain anyway, or, up the backdoor which is also a literal pain in the ass. My Gallbladder has been dis functional for a few months and I was going through some tests to see about having it out, and other things just sort of spiraled out of control, leading me to this lovely procedure. So, to start out with, I have purchased the following things to ease my journey.

• Flushable baby wipes
• Which Hazel wipes
• Organic Chicken broth paste
•  a large amount of water
• soft toilet paper
•  Gummy bears
• Organic Lollipops

I am on a clear liquid diet today, and at 5 pm tonight, I get to drink what I can only akin to battery acid sludge, sit back and wait for the fireworks to begin. The nurse who just called to confirm my appt. said to me, and I quote, "Oh, you will be working hard tonight to clear out your colon with the colon prep so you will arrive here tomorrow nice and tired and ready for a nap!".

 Yeah, that's never good to hear in a phone call. So, This is my meal ticket for the next 20 hours:


Doesn't that look delish? Actually I have started to drink it nice and hot, and it tastes fine but instantly gives me a "brick in the stomach" feeling, like most foods do anyway, so I think I'd just stick to water till tomorrow. Ok, I'll check in later after I've drank a gallon of the "Sludge of Death".


5:00 pm - Drinking the sludge of death

I poured the clear slimy liquid into the plastic cup that comes with it, and then added water up to the 16 oz line.  Down the hatch!  Glug, Glug, Glug.... and then pause.... and, salt.  That's what I tasted, Lemon Lime Salt with a touch of body odor.  It slithers down your throat.  I paused a few beats, then took the rest of it down.  You then have to drink 16 oz of water..... twice.... in the next 60 minutes or so.  It's not a hard thing to do, because you are so desperate to get the taste of the Lemon Lime slither- sludge out of your mouth.

5 minutes later, you feel like a tire is inflating in your upper abdomen.  It didn't hurt, it just felt like a balloon was about to pop, in the front and alllll the way around to the sides.  I bloated up like Violet from Willa Wonka, and had to walk around the house.  I suggest you do not sit down.  Just.. keep... walking.  It will be over in a minute or 10.  So I walked around, drinking my water, my hands got a little sweaty but not too bad.  20 minutes later I hear gurgling.  More bloating... and then I felt the magic begin to happen.  Again I will spare you the intimate details.  I spent the next 3-5 hours making frequent trips to the toilet.  I suggest to anyone who is reading this do NOT and I repeat DO NOT travel more than 50 feet from a toilet.  Camp yourself out with a good book, your phone and a rousing game of SCAMBLE, or even a TV or lap top, right next to the toilet.  We are lucky enough to have a small enough house that our TV and couch are right next to our little half bath.  I spent the next 5 hours up and down and cleaning out.  It pretty much stopped before I went to bed, and I slept fine.  The package says "expect loose and/or watery stools".  This should definitely be changed to "expect geyser like projections from your anal canal" and "expect watery explosions that will painlessly lift you off of your toilet with it's force".  The medical companies who write this stuff are dreadfully under estimating in their literature!    Human beings are what, 80% water?  Well 60% of that will come out your rear end in a 6-7 hour period of time.  Expect to feel like a weak, dizzy raisin by the end of this journey.

6:00 am - Up with the chickens.   Got the second dose of SuPrep down, but it was harder than the first and I wanted to gag it all up.  Drinking this first thing in the morning is NOT fun.  I suggest you get your prep All done by bed time, and get up early for your procedure.  Having it at 11:30 was a little rough.  I was extremely weak and felt like I would expire any moment by the time I walked in and laid on the gurney.

Got the second round down, again with the spare tire inflating feeling, then two or three hours of explosive pooping.  By the end it was just clear water, with a hint of yellow, which is what doctors say is "optimal" as a result.  I was happy I would have a nice clear colon to see everything.  I got the kids off to the baby sitter and school, and Husband and I made our way to the Endoscopy center.  That's all they do there..... just down the throat and up the rear procedures.  It's a very well oiled machine in there.  You walk in, you get your briefing, you sign your papers, no lines, no waiting.  You walk into the back, you strip down, do a urine sample to make sure you are not pregnant ( that was kinda hilarious) and after you're naked except for your shoes and socks,  you dress up like Gandolf the Grey in flowing robes.  You leave your socks and shoes on the entire procedure, at least where I went.  That was a little skeevy for me, because my shoes were rather old and dirty... and they accompanied me into the procedure room, attached to my smelly feet.  I was kind of embarrassed.  So if you go for this procedure in Morristown, NJ, please wear nice clean footwear.

At first I will say I was VERY apprehensive.  I hate going under anesthesia.  They hook an IV into your arm, which isn't a big deal, talk nicely to you, and then... oh wait, Im about to be wheeled into the procedure room and.... yup.  completely forgot to take off my underwear.  Man... I am mortified.  I have to call the nurse, and wiggle out of my undies and hand them to her.  She puts them with my clothing, and then goes and disenfects her hands.    I mention to her how much of a surprize that would have been to the doctor when he went to insert the tube, she laughed and responded " that's ok, we would have poked a hole through it"   Im glad I saved my good undies from total destruction.  Can you even imagine waking up and there is a HOLE in the backside of your underwear?

They tell you to roll over on your left side, start pushing the drugs into your IV and you LITERALLY fall over asleep, waking up feeling well rested.  unfortunately for me they discovered I had sleep apnea when I went to sleep, so I have to get a tube down my nose to help me breathe, and so when I woke up, I was a snotty snorty mess.

I went in to the procedure room at 11:45am.  I emerged at 12:20.   I am not even kidding you it's that fast.  I had an endoscopy, so my throat was a little sore, nothing too bad, like when you eat a scratchy french fry and have throat pain for the rest of the day, that kind of pain.  My sinuses were killing me.  That won't happen to most people unless they have trouble breathing when under anethesia, like I did.

My doctor came in and I was feeling very happy and very sad, all at the same time.  Very typical for whacky juice withdrawl.  He told me I was "squeaky clean" except for a small 'roid and a hiatal hernia.  the Hiatal hernia is what's causing my stomach issues, and not, you know, cancer or ulcers or something sinister like that.  He told me I was in such good shape, not to even bother coming back to see him.  I high fived him and started to go "Whooo hoo!"  I thought I was still in the OR.    I looked around for the cute asian anestethiologist, and couldn't find him.  I wanted to ask him for more of that great sleeping juice.  I didn't realize I was in a little recovery room with a curtain and my husband was standing right there.  The goofy juice made me loopy.  I started to cry for 3 seconds.  Then laugh for 5 seconds.  Then I had some Lorna Doone cookies and some icy cranberry juice... the first things I have had to eat or drink since what felt like 2003... got my footing, got out of Gandolf's robes, found my underwear, dressed, and headed out to lunch with my husband.  I couldnt wait to get a tofu burger in me. We get to my favorite pub, and I take three bites and Im full.  Had to take the food home and pick at it all night.  By the next day my appetite was back to normal, and by that night, my rear was.

A few observations for first timers:

• You will hear that the prep is the worst part.  Completely agree.  The procedure is nothing.  I had a hard time believing anything had actually been up my butt.  D not work yourself up to be put under and voluntarily sodomized.  I promise it is nothing like that.

• You will feel like complete and utter death when you arrive for your colonoscopy.  Do not worry, you are just starving and dehydrated.  They will hydrate you with an IV and ten minutes later you feel a ton better.  You are not sick, you will not die.  Being weak in the knees is ok, it will pass as soon as you wake up. 

• Do not leave your toilet area during the prep time.  Just camp out near a toilet.  Do not leave your house.  Do not even leave to walk your kids to a neighbors house.  You will shit in the middle of the road like the lady in Bridesmaids, I promise you that.

• Don't go out for a big meal afterwards.  Especially if you had an endoscopy.  French fries will feel like knives in your throat.  Have a nice bowl of soup and some toast or popcycles right afterward,  and plan to celebrate your good health the next day.