Ok, I bought the wrong kind of toilet paper again, So Sue Me....

An Open Letter to my Husband

It was on sale, so I grabbed and ran.  Let's face it, I have three hours a day to get all my chores and shopping done before two children who resemble rabid raccoon walk through the door.  I didn't mean to buy single ply, you don't have to rub it in my face every time you take a shit.  We have 28 rolls left of this recombinant tree bark, and I do apologize.  I didn't realize how completely abrasive it was until I took a shadooby myself and thought I'd wiped my posterior with commercial grade sand paper.  Just wad it up really, really good and maybe invest in a little personal lubricant, or moisty wipes.  Just stop telling me about it and sharing details within earshot of our children, because now they are on me about the discomfort caused by the roll of death in the bathroom.

Sincerely, Your Wife.

Man Speak - Decoding the Male Auditory Response System

Being married to my husband is like a constant, on going experiment in the social sciences.  For example, for years  I have been trying to decode exactly what he hears when I ask him to do something, or, tell him something has been done, needs to be planned, or discussed in some fashion.   Recently, I had a lightbulb  moment when he let me into his brain for a split second, after typing in an instant message exactly it was that he heard when I spoke.  As a precursor, let me preface  to give you an idea of the environment.  We are expecting a snow storm any minute.  My son has requested eggs for dinner.  That's all.....Here is that example I was talking about:

• ME:  Stop after work and get salt. I got the kids winter gloves. I am also out of eggs. I went to wal mart and got some stuff. so all we need is salt for the ice, and eggs if you could stop somewhere and get eggs. Sagan likes to eat them for breakfast lately. 
• Now what he got from that.   HIM:  u need eggs?  eggs , eggs salt eggs gloves eggs walmart eggs sagan ice eggs
  got it.

Ok, this is an intelligent man with a relatively high i.q.  I know to some point he HAD to be joking.  But seriously, every conversation we have goes into his brain in a similar fashion.  What I predict will play out now, as it usually does, is he will go to Walmart, where they do not SELL egg. He will buy salt for the driveway, two pairs of children's gloves that will enevitably be too small,  two bags of ice which we do not need and will not fit into our freezer, realize Wal-Mart doesn't sell eggs, go to the grocery store, where he will then buy eggs, four boxes of cookies, razor blades,  coffee that is not on sale, as well as 2 boxes of ice-cream bars, four car magazines, a 12 pack of diet coke, and  2 matchbox cars for my son.   He will not purchase Lysol, tangerines, or black pepper, because he will not bother to call home and ask if there is anything I need.  Upon returning home, I will become cross with him for not listening to me and processing my requests, at which time he will become frustrated with ME because I wasn't clear.

This is how men and women often communicate.  This is why I have 5 years worth of men's deodorant and car magazines in my bathroom, and no eggs in my refrigerator.